The scary part about sharing your real feelings is that there is always someone you could upset. But I am going to take my chances. I share this post hoping that it reaches/helps even one person out there.
Maybe there is one person out there that is just like me, and if it helps that one person, I feel good about that.
I also understand that there will be people who read this who don’t relate at all or may think my problems are just “first world problems” but I am convinced that because we are all such different people with such different interests and needs, we all struggle in different ways.
This is my story.
I am a fast-paced person. I don’t like to be inside, I love to be surrounded by friends, and I love all things adventurous and “fun”.
Sometimes I joke with my husband Dan that I feel like a 20-year-old soul trapped in an aging body with aging experiences and life demands.
Most of my friends and family think of me as a 100% extrovert and though I think I’m a little more introverted than most people think, I check almost all of the “extrovert” boxes.
I have always known that I wanted my time on this earth to include raising kids. When I die, I want my children to be there (k does that sound super gory?? hahaha. I’m just trying to say that at the end of my life I want to look back and have had experiences that you can only have as a mom).
The scary part was the actual STARTING a family. I was absolutely terrified.
I was TERRIFIED of getting pregnant and how my body would react. I had nightmares of throwing up for months like some women in my family have. I was terrified of having a miscarriage or a baby with severe health problems. I was afraid of gaining 50 lbs and never losing it. I was convinced that if I had a baby it would either not make it or be born with so many issues.
And mostly I was terrified of giving up my life.
I got married at age 20, which in Jessica maturity years is about the equivalent of like 7 I think? haha.
I married THE most amazing man in the world- Dan. He was actually the first guy I ever liked that I didn’t think was funny. He was also the first guy that I ever liked that treated me like I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He continues to be the best thing that ever happened to me.
We spent the first 5 years of our marriage finishing school, traveling, exploring hobbies and interests and making a ton of friends. It was amazing.
As those years passed, we talked about having kids. It gave me automatic anxiety. Dan never pressured, but I knew he was really excited to be a dad.
I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I was stuck between the constant math of I do not want to be raising kids when I am 95 and I am so not ready to give this all up.
We prayed about it for a long time. I’ll never forget the day I told Heavenly Father that I was ready to raise one of his children on earth.
I cried.
I know this could anger a lot of people. I have friends and family that have tried for years and years to get pregnant. I have close friends and family that have lost children and people who want nothing more than to raise a family with a loving partner.
You could say, “Did you think it was going to be easy?” or “Wow, how selfish and immature to think that way!”
But this is how it went for me, and like I said, if reading this helps one person, I’m okay with that.
I loved (for the most part) being pregnant. I was SO grateful to have a healthy pregnancy. I was sick for only 6 weeks (a terrible 6 weeks) and I absolutely loved feeling Beckham’s little heart beat at every appointment.
I loved those 9 months with Dan where we daydreamed of holding our little boy and all of the things we would do as a family. Everything we would teach him and be for him.
Beckham was born in Pittsburgh, PA and was a healthy 9.7 lbs. I had a c-section but recovered really fast and basically just sat and bawled on the couch with him about how much I loved him.
I remember looking up to heaven in my parents’ living room and sobbing in gratitude for the blessing of holding our healthy child.
But then the honeymoon phase ended.
He wouldn’t stop crying.
He wouldn’t let me put him down so I would wear him in the front pack for 8 hours a day.
I couldn’t figure out breastfeeding. He would scream so much that I would scream too.
I would cry on the floor when Dan would leave for work.
I felt like I was losing my mind.
And more than anything, I felt so lonely.
When he was 3 months old, some of our best friends invited us to Bear Lake in Logan, UT for the weekend.
I remember sitting in the car nursing Beckham and crying while everyone played frisbee on the beach.
Later everyone went boating and Dan and I stayed back because Beckham was sleeping.
I resented Dan that he was not tied to a baby and I resented Beckham for tying me down.
The first year of Beckham’s life was really hard for me.
I started to feel completely lost. I felt like all of the things that made me ME were taken from me. I wasn’t teaching anymore (a job that I loved with my whole soul). I would go to workout classes with Beckham and he would scream next to me and I would end up leaving early. I told Dan I felt like all of the friends I met knew me as Jessica+Beckham, instead of just Jessica.
I started to have terrible insomnia and would often have 3+ nights in a row where I would only sleep for 2-3 hours. My ears would ring and some days I actually felt like I was hallucinating. Some nights I would just go on a walk in the middle of the night, just because I knew my other options were to lay awake in bed until the sun rose, or to wake Dan up and cry to him until the sun rose.
Dan and I were used to going out almost every single life before Beckham. After having him we would be home by 7 to get him in bed.
I remember one summer night sitting in our backyard and just crying because I wanted to be out enjoying life. It was a beautiful summer night and the farthest I could leave the house was our backyard. It was still light outside, but we were landlocked for the evening.
Things got really bad and I reached the point where in my mind I didn’t see the point of living anymore. The things that had made me happy were switched out for poopy diapers, insomnia, sitting on the couch every night, and a. lot. of. screaming.
If I couldn’t be myself, the person I loved and my friends-before-Beckham loved, how could I ever be happy again?
Long story short, Dan did everything he could to help me. This included setting me up with a therapist.
I remember screaming at Dan that a therapist was not going to help Beckham stop screaming or give me my life back.
I hated the therapist the moment I walked in.
He was a man.
What could a MAN possibly know about my life as a mom? He had never been through a single thing I was struggling with in this stage of my life!
I hated him. I hated his story about how he was in the army and was an incredible athlete. Then he lost his leg and instead of running he learned to love hiking with a prosthetic leg.
I hated him thinking he could relate, or trying to relate me becoming a mom to losing a limb.
But I kept coming back. If anything, it was a quiet drive by myself on the way to our sessions.
Then he said something that finally helped.
He told me, “Jessica. Beckham deserves to find his place in this world, just as you are trying to do right now with your own life.”
It hit me.
I thought, “Beckham deserves for me to fit into his world, not just for him to fit into mine.“
For me, this means learning to slow down.
Beckham is two now. And the second year of his life has been a lot better.
It is still so so hard for me. But I often remember what that therapist said when Beckham runs away from me to drink out of a mud puddle or wants me to repeat the same phrase over and over until I want to pull out my hair. Or when he cries nonstop on a vacation because we have missed all of his naps and are dragging him around to see the next activity.
I used to hate the term “slowing down”. To me, it signified missing out on experiences and opportunities.
But today I was laying on the bed while Beckham was brushing my hair. I had just gotten out of the shower and Beckham should have been down for a nap a lot earlier. I was wrapped in a towel, relishing a rare moment where Beckham was sitting still and touching me in a non-violent way haha.
I looked around at our destroyed bedroom with dirty clothes everywhere and my favorite books with crumpled pages. I thought about how I hadn’t studied Spanish today or done a million other little things that I used to do to try to multi-task while Beckham was awake.
And I felt so happy.
If I saw my day today years ago, I may have felt a little depressed. But I love today.
Because of Beckham, I have started to find joy in slowing down! And I am not missing out on anything at all!
I am learning to sit and watch a sunset instead of running through a hike to get to the end.
I am learning to sit on the couch and have a meaningful conversation with my sister instead of trying to always multi-task while talking.
I am learning to plan less activities in a day, which helps me truly enjoy the one activity we choose way more.
I am learning to take Beckham to a park and sit and watch him play for an hour and find true joy in that.
I am learning that I don’t have to have a million goals and bucket lists and accomplishments to be someone.
I am learning to be content, to be grateful, and to somehow find my place in life EVEN MORE than when it is fast-paced and filled.
And I truly don’t feel like I’m “settling” or I’m living this way just because I am limited and I am pretending to be okay with it.
Beckham is helping me simplify.
This post is not a finished piece. We are constantly evolving as humans, and I still have a long way to go to get to who I want to be. I am finding my place in this world every day, just like Beckham is. I am still working on slowing down and finding the balance between getting the things done I need to and becoming who I want to be.
Motherhood is still very hard for me.
There are a lot of things I miss about the freedoms that came from pre-child life.
But when I die, I want to be able to say, “I spent my time on earth raising children.” And that means investing this time now.
And I will keep doing all I can to help Beckham find his place in this world, just like I am trying to do every day, myself.
Darryl
31 May 2019Wonderful, touching, and profound!