As our time living in Costa Rica comes to a close, I have started to do a lot of reflecting.
I don’t really know how to put into words everything that happened in the last year, but I will try my best.
Everything that happened in the last year often feels like a nightmare or a dream.
Like maybe it didn’t really all happen.
And even though not much time has passed, I find myself forgetting the specifics.
So that’s why I’m documenting. I think it’s important to remember.
No one really knows what we went through living here.
And I don’t mean that in a way to look for pity or sympathy.
But we lived in a different country, away from our family and friends, during a world pandemic. And it was hard.
And I can’t help but feel that we are completely different people because of the experiences we had from it.
I am going to do my best to speak completely openly, and share my most raw and honest feelings about everything.
I’m sure a lot of people can relate to these experiences.
But this is how the world was from my eyes.
When The World Started Shutting Down
I will never forget March 3, 2020.
We were coming home from The Dominican Republic. It was Beckham’s 10th country, and it was amazing. We were starting to get the hang of traveling with a kid.
I remember thinking, “How is life so good right now?” I think if I could hand-craft the perfect life for me, it would be this.
On the plane, Dan told me there was a case of Coronavirus found that day in the DR.
I didn’t think much of it. I went back listening to music on my phone, and thought about the Youtube video I was going to make of our trip when we got back.
That week, after unpacking our suitcases, the world seemed to fall apart.
In a span of 10 days I had to cancel trips to Disney World with my sister and nephew, Cuba with my high school girlfriends, Ecuador with a college girlfriend, and a ton of other plans.
It was traumatizing at the time. Some of these people I hadn’t seen in years.
I would get updates on my phone every few minutes telling me how many cases there were around the world.
I started panicking in the middle of the night where I would wake up gasping for air, thinking maybe I had Covid.
I was scared to breathe in the air from outside.
We didn’t really understand what the virus was, or how it spread.
I was terrified of Beckham getting sick and dying, after seeing him have a seizure just a year earlier.
The US embassy told US citizens that they would be sent home if there was one case in San Jose. But the next day there were several.
No one had any idea what was happening. There was fear and panic and all of the adults seemed to be connected only through communal uncertainty and constant updates on social media.
When The Shutdowns Started
Everything started closing. It started one thing at a time, and then turned into an avalanche across the world.
Beckham’s friend’s birthday party at Parque Diversiones was canceled (and I have heard they are out of business).
My Spanish teacher was sent to work home for the indefinite future and her campus was sold.
The public park where I played soccer closed, as well as parks all across Costa Rica.
Beckham’s school, our work places, church- everything closed until further notice. We never even got to say goodbye to people, and wondered if we would ever see them again.
The beaches, all public hiking trails, restaurants, offices, buses, stores, National Parks, etc.
Borders started closing, and pretty soon we were trapped in Costa Rica. Only Costa Rican citizens could enter. So we could leave, but we wouldn’t be able to get back.
We didn’t know when we would ever see family again.
When Beckham turned 3
I had a hard time with Beckham when he was little. But by the time he turned 2, things seemed to get a little easier.
We were loving live in Costa Rica, he was loving school, and we were starting to feel like we were figuring out the “parenting thing”.
And then he turned 3.
This is the week we refer to as “The Week from Hell” which is ironic because it was Holy Week in Costa Rica- the week leading up to Easter.
Beckham completely lost his mind.
Dan and I were both working from home and his school was closed.
Dan and I would take turns in our little apartment with one person spending time downstairs with Beckham (basically getting beat up) while the other person worked or took a break upstairs.
It honestly was hell.
This week they decided to impose stricter rules.
We only had 2 days a week we could drive, and the only places that were open were medical/grocery stores.
The stores had everything roped off except for food.
You could only drive to stores in your area and could only be out to buy food or get medical help.
I remember going on a run to get out of the house and seeing absolutely NO ONE in the streets.
It was the first time that I felt like I was in a zombie apocalypse movie.
As an extrovert, I started to spend a lot of time in bed. I felt like a dead plant. I had no way of recharging without other people around.
It took everything I had on Beckham’s birthday to pick myself up out of the bed and celebrate Beckham’s birthday.
We made pancakes and opened a few presents that we luckily had prepared before everything shut down (a tie sent from his grandma Jeanette and a few coloring books and toy cars that I got from Pequeño Mundo).
Luckily kids are low-maintenance and adaptable and Beckham loved his birthday.
The Isolation
The loneliness was crippling for me.
At the very beginning Dan set me back up with a therapist and that ended up helping a lot.
I remember my first appointment asking her, “Is it possible for someone like me to be even slightly happy being so alone?”
She said, “Yes. You will find ways to adjust.”
I had the option of going virtual, but Dan found a therapist that was willing to meet face-to-face and I needed that.
She became the only person besides Dan and Beckham and Sasha that I saw and I looked forward to those appointments every week as a lifeline.
I talked to my girlfriend Sasha at the very beginning and asked her to stay in contact with me, so we weren’t completely alone.
Thankfully she agreed and we made a pact not to be in contact with anyone else besides those we lived with (her roommate for her and Dan/Becks for me) and each other.
We spent many nights sitting on the cement outside of her apartment guessing about the future. How much longer everything would last, and what would happen to all of us.
We house-sat for a family that went back to Canada and we found every way possible to stay sane, while both of us were terrified and emotionally exhausted.
The Lockdowns
I have had to laugh this entire time as people in the US talk about “lockdowns”, because of restaurants and stores requiring a limit on how many people can enter at one time.
And it has been hard to not be bitter and think, “They have no idea.”
Here in Costa Rica:
We have had driving restrictions for 9 months now (and still going).
There have been weeks where we can only drive 2 days a week, only go get groceries or go to a medical appointment.
Stores have been roped off where you can’t even buy anything beside food.
I was told I wasn’t allowed to exercise on the grass outside my apartment and that I had to exercise inside.
The police said that they were going to start taking bikes.
I know this is still nothing in comparison to other countries (for example in parts of South America or Europe) where you weren’t even allowed to walk outside.
But it has been so hard.
It was hard for me to see pictures of people living in other places, still doing things together.
My friends in Utah still had family get-togethers and church.
People in the US were still going to National Parks and vacations to beaches.
Kids still had after-school sports or played with neighborhood kids.
Everyone talked about how hard it was, but I felt like no one understood what “true isolation” felt like. It felt like no one was actually experiencing the Pandemic like us.
This led to me feeling a weird sense of false-reality, like “What is actually real?”
I am part of a Facebook group called Girls Love Travel, and it was interesting to hear about how different countries handled the Pandemic, all around the world.
The Poverty
Costa Rica is so built on tourism.
I watched the country shut down.
Rafting guides I knew told me they were out of work for at least a year.
I talked to kids who had no form of school because they had no resources or support.
People in our area gathered together thousands of dollars worth of items and donations.
Our favorite place in Costa Rica had 80% of its restaurants go out of business forever.
I was so convinced Dan and I were going to lose our jobs (which luckily, we still haven’t).
Everyone around us seemed to be getting let go and I was convinced it was probably the end of the world.
There was such an emotional exhaustion at the end of the day that came with gratitude for having a job, sadness for friends that were out of work, and fear for the future.
So emotionally exhausting.
Costa Rica turned into a ghost town.
The country that used to be filled with music and dancing and smiling people was completely silent.
It Wasn't Supposed to Be This Way
I remember having a conversation with my dad a little while into the pandemic.
Our first year in Costa Rica was filled with adventure, dancing, going out, traveling, playing soccer, meeting people and their families, work parties, excitement, etc.
It was the best year of my life.
And then life flipped upside down.
I told my dad, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way!”
We were supposed to spend this year rafting and traveling and speaking in Spanish and meeting people and making memories!
Beckham was supposed to be playing soccer and surrounded by lots of little Latino friends in school.
He told me, “Why don’t you use this time to learn from how Costa Ricans live during a pandemic?”
And I decided to listen to him.
The Determination
I like to think of the Pandemic in two parts. For me, this is where part 2 starts.
I have a favorite quote that says, “I choose to live my life, rather than just exist.”
I decided that I was determined to start living again, as best as possible, with the circumstances.
I literally did everything in my power to adapt to the new circumstances and still enjoy life.
I learned how to teach online for my English students. I made slides and adjusted my classes for an online environment.
I bought a bike to explore Costa Rica and to continue to get out on days when we had driving restrictions.
When Beckham’s school opened (we were super lucky because the government opened guardarias about 6 months before elementary schools for working parents) I would walk or bike Becks to school so he could still go, even if we couldn’t drive.
I explored every single open inch of Costa Rica.
I started driving around and just asking anyone I saw if they knew of any river or trail that was secret and open.
We saw places I know NO tourists have ever seen, and I am sure not many locals, either.
I taught Beckham to swim. Our church building was actually a rented house. And since no one was going at the time, I decided to take advantage of that fact and take Beckham there.
Maybe it was a bad thing to do, but it kept us sane.
We would spend 4-5 hours at this tiny backyard pool. And after a couple of weeks, Beckham could swim across the whole thing on his own.
We tried to never be home. There were signs that said “Quedate en casa” everywhere. Even on billboards and songs on the radio.
We saw masks on store models and signs on stores. Everything was closed and signs said, “Go home.”
But we never saw anyone.
It was just us, exploring Costa Rica on our own.
I tried to convince a few special friends to do things with me, like go on a walk or come over for dinner, but no one would leave their apartments.
After several months I convinced a friend to go explore a river with me. It was the first time he left his apartment in months.
I didn’t see most of my girlfriends for about 6 months. And some of them I still haven’t seen since.
The Airbnbs
One benefit of the pandemic was Dan’s ability to work from home.
We decided to take advantage of that and stay in Airbnbs.
We stayed in some of the craziest Airbnbs around the country. Places that we never would have visited or seen without the pandemic.
Places where we were the only other people in the area.
We explored hidden beaches, saw amazing sunsets, swam in secret rivers, and saw the world truly from a local perspective.
Sometimes we would leave at 5 AM to get there during allowed driving time and would stay for several days until we were allowed to drive again, and then would book it back before curfew.
One time we were stuck in traffic several hours from home, with only 2 hours before curfew. We were so stressed.
Police officers would do random pull-overs and give people fines and take their license places for driving on the wrong day.
Rules changed so much that we often didn’t know if we were following the law or not.
And most people didn’t try to even leave, so we didn’t have anyone to ask. Sometimes Dan would literally go to the police to ask. But they often wouldn’t be on the same page as other police. The whole thing was confusing and stressful.
One time Dan was working from an Airbnb in Guapiles, Costa Rica. There was no electricity and Dan had an important work call.
So the owner of the Airbnb turned on his truck, Dan plugged his lap top into the truck to charge it. Then he used his phone as a bluetooth for internet.
And he did his work call.
It was stressful, but we made it work (with a million un-seen angels around us).
And that was kind of the theme of 2020.
I have to say how much of a champ Dan was through all of this.
He was so flexible, and so so so willing to make it work so Beckham and I had a way to still live.
He told me later how he would check the updates every Friday when they would announce them and he would feel so scared and anxious about what new restrictions they would make, so stressed for how it would impact me and Beckham.
The Special Experience
I started to be grateful that the borders were closed. Everywhere we went, we felt like we were the only Americans.
I started to feel as if I was actually living in Costa Rica, among the locals.
Instead of paying for $100 rafting trips, we ate ice cream out of a bag and swam with the locals in the rivers.
Instead of going dancing at a bar full of a bunch of tourists, we went snorkeling on the most popular beach in Costa Rica with not a single soul around.
Instead of visiting the most popular waterfalls with crowds of people, we found the bluest rivers, with clean and pure water.
Instead of heading to the same tourist traps, we found TRUE Costa Rica.
Instead of planning international trips every three months, we explored every nook and cranny of the country we were living in.
I started to feel excited about the fact of the Costa Rica we were getting to experience.
When again would there be so few tourists in Costa Rica?
Everything felt authentic and REAL.
It was amazing.
The Admiration
I cannot speak for any other country, because I have only lived here during the pandemic.
But I can say what I have observed about Ticos (Costa Ricans) while living here.
I don’t know if I ever heard anyone complain.
Thousands of people lost their jobs. But every single person I talked to said, “I know God will provide a way. He is good.”
People wore masks and canceled plans without complaining.
People created boxes of food that they left out in public areas for struggling people to choose from.
My friends all stayed home to protect their at-risk loved ones (even though they were extremely healthy and young, themselves).
My point in sharing this is not to take a stance on masks or social distancing or anything that has happened in the last year.
But I hope to never forget the positive attitudes, the faith, and the humility of the people in Costa Rica.
While I complained about having to work online, people here thanked God every day for having a job.
While I cried about canceled trips, people here were grateful for an opportunity to slow down.
While I hated having Beckham out of school, my friends and co-workers talked about the blessing it was to have more time with family.
While I tried to find every way possible around driving restrictions, the Ticos united in their dedication to staying home to protect the people around them.
In the spirit of keeping this post honest and real, I was upset.
I was upset at my friends who wouldn’t ever see me, even if it was just for a walk.
I was upset at how life was. And how different it was from how I had planned.
I was upset at Beckham who absolutely lost his mind from staying at home for so long, without seeing any of his friends.
I was upset at the US for not understanding what it was like for other people around the world.
I am a big advocate of allowing yourself to feel.
And sometimes I felt like people here were TOO positive, and the toxic positivity was too much for me.
But when I remember Ticos I hope I always remember their genuinely good, humble, and optimistic attitudes.
They changed me.
The Personal Changes
I talked to my sister one day, when we were in the trenches.
She said, “I just hope when all of this is over, I have become a better person so that it wasn’t all for nothing.
I thought, “Wow, I am just barely getting by. I don’t think I’m becoming better at anything.
But I was wrong.
9.5 months after the pandemic reached Costa Rica, we were able to go to Colombia for Christmas and New Years.
It was a last-minute decision, and a stressful choice.
But we decided to try it out.
While we were there, the government announced a 3-day lockdown.
We found out a few hours before it started.
Instead of freaking out, we grabbed some food and a few things for Beckham for Christmas to keep him busy in the Airbnb and bunkered down.
We didn’t even have wifi the first day. But we spent the time relaxing as a family and just being together.
I realized how much more flexible I have become.
A few weeks later my sister was supposed to finally come to Costa Rica.
I hadn’t seen her in two years. And it had been longer since she had seen Beckham.
There aren’t really any words to describe how much we were all wanting the trip to happen, or what went into finally nailing down the details.
But a few days before arriving she got Covid and had to cancel.
I was very sad, but I also felt very grateful that she and my other family members that had experienced Covid were safe.
I realized how much my perspective has grown.
Before the pandemic I would often have a list of 5 places I would take Beckham in one day. I would often drag him from one place to the next, just to see the next thing.
Several months ago I spent the entire day at a river with Beckham. We swam and had snacks and explored the entire day, without ever rushing to the next activity.
I realized how much more “in the moment” I live.
When Beckham was born I would go on walks with him while listening to podcasts on finances or world languages, trying to do two things at once.
I used to have a to-do list of a million things to do and would feel so anxious every day if I didn’t cross off several things on the list.
These days I go to bed at 8:30, I sit down and play with Beckham, and I sit down on the couch often when I talk with people on the phone.
I have become a lot more present to the loved ones in my life.
In college I would wait for days when my friends could go to the grocery store with me so I didn’t have to go alone. I wasn’t afraid, but I just loved being with other people so much.
I have spent almost an entire year on my own.
I like my own company now. I spend a lot of time working on my blog or Youtube videos. I exercise on my own and I like to sit and think.
Some days I lay in bed, all by myself, just thinking about life and what I want out of it.
I am learning to love being with myself.
This last year has been hard. And I know there is so much hard ahead of us.
I also know that I am not done growing, and that there are some experiences I have yet to live that could destroy me if I don’t let myself learn from them.
But I love the quote from Elder Holland in the most recent general conference.
“One’s life … cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free.” It simply will not work “to glide naively through life,” saying as we sip another glass of lemonade, “Lord, give me all thy choicest virtues, but be certain not to give me grief, nor sorrow, nor pain, nor opposition. Please do not let anyone dislike me or betray me, and above all, do not ever let me feel forsaken by Thee or those I love. In fact, Lord, be careful to keep me from all the experiences that made Thee divine. And then, when the rough sledding by everyone else is over, please let me come and dwell with Thee, where I can boast about how similar our strengths and our characters are as I float along on my cloud of comfortable Christianity.”
Our experience in Costa Rica was not what it was supposed to be.
I’m so glad that it was so much more.
And I believe that that is how it works when we allow a loving Father in Heaven to show us what He has planned for us and who He wants us to become.
Costa Rica will always have a special place in my heart.