After Beckham was born I had a BIT of an identity crisis. After drowning in loss of identity for a while, talking to different therapists and trying everything I could to feel myself again, I decided to get into self-help books.
I wanted to learn more about myself and other people around me. I have always been drawn to people and I missed the human connection that I was not getting as a stay-at-home mom, so I decided to learn about people.
I found Brene Browne’s works and fell in love.
So much of her theory-based research impressed me but one of her ideas that reached me the most was her idea that people are are doing the best that they can.
Everyone. Not just the people we like. Not just the people we agree with. Not just the people we are close to. Everyone.
This doesn’t mean you don’t set boundaries with people. Setting boundaries is one of the kindest things you can do for someone you care about.
This doesn’t mean you let people walk over you or repeatedly hurt you.
It means that people’s actions are coming from a place where they are working with different tools, abilities, perspectives and experiences than you.
I decided to put Brene Browne’s theory to work.
When people gave unsolicited, aggressive or inappropriate advice about how I should parent Beckham I tried to tell myself, “I bet they genuinely want to help. And if so, how does that change how I receive the advice?”
When close family or friends failed to show up for me in the way I needed I tried to believe, “I wonder what he/she is going through that makes it harder to be there for me.”
When people disappointed or hurt or frustrated me I tried to tell myself, “I bet he/she is genuinely doing the best he/she can.”
It completely changed the way I view people.
It does not change the distance I keep from some people or the disappointment I feel when I feel let down. I still hold people accountable for their actions, but I try to understand the reason behind people’s actions, and their true intentions.
It helps turn resentment into empathy.
I’m not lying to myself. I’m trying to do the best job possible of putting myself in someone else’s shoes and feel what they could possibly feeling.
And I have found that people are trying their best.
This applies when people live differently than I live or make decisions I wouldn’t make.
It applies when people break a promise or say unkind things to me or the people I love.
It applies when people fall short of my expectations or disappoint me, just like I often do to others, even when I am trying my best.
A few weeks ago I was in Nicaragua with a girlfriend. On one of our long bus rides we listened to a Brene Browne podcast together and her theory of “Everyone is trying their best” came up again.
Hours later I was trying to head to the border to get back to Costa Rica on my own.
I was stressed. Nicaragua has had some difficult political situations in the last year and though I felt completely safe during my week there, I didn’t want to be a single female alone at the border late at night.
I was attacked by taxi drivers as I stepped off a bus, which is usual. Everyone claiming that there are no more buses left and you have to take a taxi to get to your destination.
I met Jose. He told me that the next bus to leave would get me to the border after it had already closed and I would either need to sleep at the border or get a taxi back to a safe area. I argued back and forth with him, telling him everything I had read and researched suggested otherwise, but he was adamant.
I realized he may be lying, but it wasn’t worth the risk of sleeping at the border by myself. I needed to get home.
Throughout the 40 minute taxi ride to the border I told Jose how I hoped he was being honest. How I LOVED Nicas (people from Nicaragua) and had not had a single bad experience with anyone in Nicaragua except for taxi drivers being dishonest.
I explained how unfair it was to take advantage of tourists and how if that was what he was doing, I would be very frustrated. I was actually proud of myself because all of this was happening in Spanish haha.
He promised over and over that the border closed at 5 PM (not 11 PM) and that he was the only way to get there. He even “called his friend” who worked at the border to make sure. His friend confirmed (not sure if there was even anyone on the other end of the call).
I got his number for safety reasons in case I was stuck at the border and needed a taxi back.
By the end of the taxi ride I felt like we had a good relationship and I trusted him.
The second we arrived at the border, I hurried to an officer and asked what time the border closed. He told me 11 PM.
I felt the rage surface in my face. I had been taken advantage of AGAIN by a taxi driver. Yes it was my fault for believing him, but it can often be difficult while traveling to know who to trust.
As I started my indignant text to him about how wrong it was that he lied to me, I immediately felt, “He is doing the best he can, just like you.”
I don’t know if he really was lying or not. But I immediately felt my rage and resentment toward him start to dissolve.
Tourism is down in Nicaragua 90% this year. Jose has a family to feed. The $15 means a lot more to him than me. I don’t know badly he needed the $15 but I am positive it was more than me.
It doesn’t mean what it did was okay. It doesn’t mean I have to ever trust taxi drivers again. But I can put myself into his shoes and recognize that there are real reasons for him acting the way he did (regardless of if they justified his actions, or not).
Instead of feeling feelings of revenge of how I’m going to track Jose down and slit his tires (what? No, I never would do that! haha) I genuinely feel empathy and love for him.
I don’t think he wants to be in a situation where he has to rely on lying to tourists to get by.
Brene Browne’s husband Steve said, “You know, I don’t know if I believe that everyone is trying their best. But I know I am a lot happier when I live with that belief.”
I’m going to continue to challenge this theory and put it to the test because living this way has made me feel happier, too.